Monday, December 18, 2006

This just in...

NEW OFFICE POLICIES FOR 2007

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy.

- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should
be directed elsewhere.

The Management

7 comments:

Dana said...

LMOO! I'm taking this to work tomorrow.

Turnbaby said...

PIA: BHAM YA HOOCHIE!!!

Bond said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha


OK, OK,,,,I think I can talk.. nope

bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Dixiechick said...

LMOO!!!! Too funny! Can't wait to meet you in B'ham! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Maryfly said...

too funny!! Loved the bathroom break one. HSG!

Piacere said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Piacere said...

Dana: Be careful who sees it. They might try to institute it...HOLY COW!!!

Turnbaby: HOOCHIES IN 'DA HOUSE IN BIRMINGHAM, MARCH 2007!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Bond:Breathe...breathe...BREATHE!!!!!!!!

Dixie: Can't wait to meet you, too! I hate to wish time away, but March can't get here soon enuff!!!

Miss Fly: We needed one of those bathroom cameras in 702 for lilome...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HSG!!!